I'll write in here because I don't want it to feel so blank, like I do tonight. I often get into these places where I can't sleep, I can't write, for I have no new ideas, no ambition, almost no feeling, which is the worst feeling of all- where it seems useless to do anything. I know I don't ever want to go back to having panic attacks, so I'll stay on my medication. A healthy feeling of anxiety is good; it helps one to prepare and plan, stay ahead of things; but when it cripples one it is a feeling like watching an animal, close to death, pace, pant and try to escape and hide from the inevitable, like your soul is lost or in limbo and not even God can find you.
I had the day off today, I cleaned my room throughly and did laundry. I have nowhere to go, no social life, no college life... I usually live up in my head, daydream a lot. I usually get in bed and read or watch a movie when i feel like this, but since I just got over being sick, being in bed reminds me of then and I feel it might happen again if I spend too much time in it not sleeping, just being blah in it.
I'm actually glad I have to work tomorrow; I feel I am doing something for a purpose and I''ll have a reason to feel tired and unambitious when I come home.